Check Me Out
by BunnyFacetious
Summary: Someone should have warned Wirt about the salty (yet utterly adorable) librarian that struck dread into the hearts of every book lover in town.


Wirt was bored. Sure, this was an unavoidable and common problem that nearly every human on Earth experienced, but… Wirt was the kind of person almost _proud_ to claim to be able to entertain himself.

He had books that he could lose himself within, blank notebooks he could fill with powerful verses, a VCR with a few movie tapes he found enjoyable, and he could always mess around in the kitchen and try out a recipe out of the cookbook his step dad had sent him.

Unfortunately for the man, the probability of him finding joy in any of these activities was at an all time low.

All the books in his apartment had been read thoroughly, his creativity was currently nonexistent, he had forgotten how to work the movie player, and he had yet to go grocery shopping that week.

Well, there was something he could do. _If he was in any mood to be glared at like a kleptomaniac._ The last time he had made a trip to the town's Whole Foods, he had forgotten to scan a pack of gum at the self checkout. The result had been alarms going off and a purple haired manager threatening to call the cops on him.

So, Wirt would be avoiding making a food run for as long as possible, which effectively eliminated his last chance of not passing out due to the overwhelming boredom he was afflicted with.

He pulled a couch cushion over his face and groaned as he forced his body to sit up. There was no way he was going to waste a rare day off of work from the publishing house sleeping.

He just had to… wake up. Yes, laying down until noon had obviously taken a negative toll on the brunet's attitude for the sunny Tuesday afternoon. He would hop in the shower, see what he could salvage for a decent breakfast- er, brunch, and take a stroll around the block.

Plan set firmly in his mind, Wirt jumped to his feet. And regretted the action immediately. An insistent, rare thrum of laziness added ten pound weights to all of his limbs and made the couch he had just freed himself from seem as tempting as the forbidden fruit.

Okay, new game plan. He just needed to make himself somewhat presentable and throw himself out the door before he gave into the siren's call his cheap couch was emulating.

The man glanced down at himself to assess how much effort he was going to have to put into his appearance. He had slept in his clothes from yesterday; slacks and a button up, so if he just smoothed everything down and doused himself in cologne, he would be fine.

Beginning to fix his attire, he took the four steps necessary to reach his cramped bathroom.

Everything about the place was cramped, in actuality, but Wirt really shouldn't be complaining. If this was the only way he could get out of his last living situation (with nightmare roommate, Beatrice) he'd embrace the tiny accommodation with eager arms.

He caught his own gaze in the mirror and flinched. _Oh dear lord_.

Wirt ran a hand through the tangled mop going in every which way atop his head with a noise of disgust rising from his throat. His bed head was always a frightful sight, but crashing on the sofa for nearly twelve hours had clearly made the morning mess of his hair shockingly worse.

The brunet reached for his brush and set to work on fixing the problem area as well as he was able to. Not very, apparently, but it looked infinitesimally better than it had. A sigh escaped him as he reluctantly accepted this was as good he was going to get it.

He brushed his teeth, sprayed himself down with deodorant, slipped on some shoes, and had successfully made it out the door without falling defeatedly back to the couch. Wirt didn't feel like the victor in the battle.

Sunlight invaded his vision as quickly as the yapping of a pup had infiltrated his eardrums, both of the non-violent assaults rendering Wirt more annoyed than he'd been in months. He was in no mood for the world to be awake.

What he needed right then and there was someplace quiet, not terribly bright, and impossible to fall asleep in. _A library_. Did this town even have a public library? He was sure he would have made a stop by it at this point if it was out in the open.

Wirt awkwardly bumbled away from his front door with sluggish legs and reached the sidewalk that would lead him out of the neighborhood. Now what?

A woman with flowing cinnamon brown hair cascading down to her hips stumbled past him, with the dog responsible for all the noise connected to the leash in her hands.

"Excuse me." He called out, before she could walk out of earshot.

She whirled around at the words, legs getting tangled in the rainbow striped leash as she did so, "What's up?"

The girl sounded slightly out of breath; cheeks flushed, clothes rumpled, and hair more mussed than he had initially noticed. If he hadn't seen the trouble she was having with the dog that possibly weighed more than her dragging her forward, he would have assumed she just came from a hook up.

"Do you… need help?" He asked at first, as he saw the happily barking canine wrap her legs further with the tether.

She shot him an easy, wide smile as she pat the dog's head, "No thanks, Romeo. I've got strength to spare- I just don't wanna hurt the precious pooch."

"Oh." Wirt nodded, still concerned as he saw her stumble for balance, "Well, if you're sure. But I was wondering if you could point me in the direction of the library?"

The curl of her lips took on a wicked edge, "Ooooh, are you sure about that?"

"Yes…" He trailed off, trying to make sense of the mischievous light in her big, chocolatey brown eyes, "Is their a problem with that?"

She shook her head, a giggle slipping passed her stretched lips, "No, no, no, not at all! Just head over to the strip mall and search- It's hidden, like, right behind it… Good luck~!"

The woman sang the last few words and punctuated them with a giddy wink before unwinding the restraint from around her limbs and jogging down the sidewalk with the hyper mutt guiding her.

Still confused by the odd encounter, Wirt watched the slim girl go. He shook himself as she turned a corner, pushing the interaction out of his head and focusing on the directions she gave him.

The strip mall wasn't too far, but he certainly couldn't walk there in his loafers. A grimace twisted his features as he realized he was going to have to... awaken the beast.

The beast being the used car he had purchased when he was seventeen. As a man steadily approaching twenty four, there was no excuse for why he had kept the rusted, gas guzzling monster for so long. Well, unless you counted the fact that he was one step up from dirt poor. One _very_ small step.

Resisting the urge to throw a very toddler-esque tantrum, he turned around and went to hunt down the ancient nineteen ninety four Ford Taurus.

He reached the parking deck sooner than he would have preferred and, not surprisingly, the vehicle was exactly where he left it when he first moved in three weeks ago. He was _not_ looking forward to this.

Grabbing the keys he had left under the car (he was hoping, no, _praying_ that someone would steal it so he could get the insurance check), he unlocked the driver's side door and slid in behind the wheel. And this is when the painful part came.

He revved up the thunderous engine with a whimper of dread. Every second it took to drive to that stupid library he just _had_ to see was going to be soaked in mortification.

Already paling at the the mere thought of how horrendous the trip would be, Wirt pulled jerkily out of the space and drove out of the community garage with some difficulty.

Another thing he didn't enjoy about pulling out the loudmouth; he was not the best driver. He wasn't even a _good_ driver- It was a miracle that the people at his hometown's DVM were as forgiving of his plethora of mistakes as they were. Rethinking that, maybe it was something much more negative, considering what hell it promised for fellow drivers. And pedestrians.

He had made it to the main road without much incident, other than scraping the side of the Taurus on… something. He hoped whatever it was didn't have a pulse.

A sigh of relief almost left him, before he remembered that it was indeed _not_ all smooth sailing from this point on. Quite the opposite, actually.

A Hybrid had began to drive beside him, causing Wirt's cheeks to flare with embarrassed color. He could just imagine the owner of the aforementioned environmentally safe car with a look of utmost disapproval. Just as every other air breathing life form would, because there was no denying how much pollution his monster gave off after only a handful of minutes of being active.

He took a deep breath, trying to focus on the road in front of him, like the great driver he was pretending to be, and definitely not on the disgusted tree-hugger-mobile judging him. The attempt proved to be futile as the driver honked. At him? He couldn't be sure, but the chance that it could be had his hands fumbling on the wheel.

He needed a better distraction than driving.

Music! There was a radio contraption somewhere in the car he was sure- Greg had abused the thing enough whenever Wirt had given him a ride when they were he had to do was recall where the music player was and how to work it.

Easier said than done. The man was extremely well known in his family for being _awful_ with technology of any kind. Which was why he had mostly stuck to tapes and record players when he played with devices at all… and that made him sound like the biggest hipster in the world, but they were literally the only electronic things he could work with confidently (kitchen appliances discluded).

Another rude beep his way alerted him to the red light he was about to run. _Focus, Palmer_. He stomped on the breaks and come to an abrupt stop that nearly had his head ramming into the windshield. _Seatbelt_.

Strapping in, Wirt dared to throw a timid glance at the horn happy driver… And that was without a doubt the gayest glare he'd ever seen.

Not to sound offensive or rude, but the blond man had the most stereotypical homosexual look about him. Well dressed, pouting lips, and a stylish haircut- If it weren't for the horrifying scowl his… purple? Yes, those were undoubtably purple contacts in the angry man's eyes. Well, if it weren't for all that senseless fury the man was giving off, he would have felt embarrassed about looking like an idiot in front of such an attractive guy.

The blond man's window rolled down and he leaned over into the passenger seat, striking some fear into Wirt, who averted his eyes immediately.

"Hello." A deep voice spoke, sounding leveled but still cutting through the horrible roar of Wirt's engine, "It's not considered polite to ignore people… Alright, fine, I just thought I would inform you of the blinker that has been on for the last five minutes."

His face had to be bone white at this point- Which was admittedly better than the alternative of a flaming red complexion.

"Oh." Wirt squeaked, before clearing his throat and throwing a small smile at the frowning man, "Thank you."

A completely fake smile was offered to him before the purple-eyed guy was stomping on the gas and gunning it the hell away from Wirt and his socially awkward self.

Groaning, and beginning to drive off at a much slower pace, the brunet made a note to himself to avoid any other interaction for the rest of the day- He wasn't 'people ready' today, apparently.

The strip mall was coming into view, _finally_ , and after a minute or so of searching he was able to find a puny, one story building aptly labeled 'Gravity Falls Library'.

He parked the beast, with little trouble thanks to the nearly barren lot, and scrambled out and away from the car as quickly as he could. He really did his best not to be associated with the eyesore.

Wirt eyed the supposed library with skeptical eyes. The building didn't look all that professional or at all like a book lover's wet dream. Also, what with the strange woman's… well, strangeness about the topic, he wasn't sure if this 'library' was just a Sweeney Todd fashioned barber shop in disguise.

He brushed the feeling off. He wasn't normally a paranoid person, so it made no sense for him to be worried about such an unassuming place.

He grabbed the doorknob and pushed the entrance open, the silence suddenly enveloping him making up for the terrible aesthetic of the building.

Wirt grew bold enough to take a few steps further into the library, some shelves finally coming into view, along with a few tables and a check out counter… And no one in the large room at all.

The brunet looked around again, wondering if the place was closed and he had just committed breaking and entering. Well, that wasn't very likely considering the two other cars in the lot and the unlocked front door.

"Hello?" He called out, only to have a predictable, librarian hush in response.

"Sorry." Wirt whispered, ducking his head and making his way over to the front desk, where the noise had sounded.

The place still appeared to be abandoned, and the man was beginning to think the hush was an audio recording-

"Are you just going to stand there all day?" A bored voice rang out, still appearing not to have a body to go with the sounds, "Or are you going to rob me? I really don't think the empty register can take the abuse right now."

"Oh!" He blurted, "No, no! I'm just… Where are you?"

A bothered sigh was released into the air, "Are you literally blind? I can honestly say I will feel no remorse if I refuse to hunt down your service dog."

Wirt was beginning to get frustrated, "Twenty twenty vision, I assure you. I just- Would you mind coming up to me?"

The male he was assuming, snorted, "Do you realize how creepy you sound? How do I know you're not going to shank me the second you _do_ see me?"

"Because why would I do that?!" He spluttered out, starting to wonder if the voice was in his head and he was just arguing with himself.

Another sigh sounded, "Fine. But if I end up with a hole in me, I'm going to be _very_ upset."

A black swivel chair in the corner behind the desk whirled around, revealing a curly haired brunet with a round face, thick framed glasses, and a book covering the bottom portion of his face. The man lowered the novel and plopped it loudly on the desk, standing up and stomping over to Wirt.

"What do you want?" The petite guy huffed, pushing his glasses up on his tiny nose with a deep frown on his pinkish lips.

He was… cute. Really cute. _Impossibly cute_. Um, words, Palmer, you're a poet for god's sake, find a better way to describe him. His face was remnant of a… Oh, damn it all, it was _cute_ and _adorably_ chubby and squishable and-

"You're not right in the head, are you?" The cutie sighed, rich brown eyes looking extremely done with him, "Who do I call to pick you up?"

 _Snap out of it, Wirt_!

He cleared his throat, suddenly much too aware of how half assed his appearance was, "No one, I'm perfectly sane and normal, I assure you."

A sarcastic smile took hold of the cutie's lips, "That's great. So, why the hell are you wasting my time then?"

The man had completely forgotten his reason for approaching the only other person (from what he could tell) in the library.

"Um." He breathed, irrational panic seeping into his bones, "I- I- I-"

Okay, he needed to calm down. He did not go to speech therapy for a year to be losing his nerve at the time he needed it most.

"I was looking for the poetry section." Wirt rushed out, the words hardly comprehensible and not true in the slightest, "Could you show it to me? Er- Please?"

Smooth as silk, Palmer.

The cutie gave him a drab stare, "Have you checked the shelves with the arrow labeled 'Poetry' pointing at it?"

Cheap, unrefined silk.

"No." He coughed, the tips of his ears beginning to burn, "I was… wondering if you had any recommendations."

The short man's eyes widened a fraction at the words, before he looked away and shrugged, "I'm not really into the whole romanticized, frilly rhymes myself, sorry."

"That's not all it is." Wirt rebuked before he could stop himself, "There's different kinds, like-"

"Shhhh." The cutie held up a single finger against Wirt's lips, "I didn't sign up for a debate about what the best genre of literature is, beanpole. The only thing I'm doing today is sitting back down and finishing my mystery novel. So, if you would kindly excuse me, Mr. Poe."

He turned back around and plopped down in his chair with a huffing noise, picking his book back up and diving into the story.

Wirt should have left him alone at that point, he really should have. When someone was reading, you didn't disturb them- It was the number one unspoken rule of a library. However, that thought didn't even make him pause before speaking.

"Poe wasn't just a poet." He informed the now groaning brunet, "He was also famous for his short mystery stories."

"Do go on." The librarian droned, "I'm so intrigued."

Wirt smiled earnestly. Even if the words were spoken with as much facetiousness as humanly possible, it wasn't often that he was given the opportunity to talk about one of his passions.

" _For him this rhyme is penned, whose luminous eyes, brightly expressive as the twins of Loeda, shall find his own sweet name._ " He recited one of his favorites by the poet in question, _A Valentine_ , with a few suave (he hoped) tweaks.

The cutie glanced up at him from behind his frames, "...You got the gender pronouns wrong."

Wirt's grin was victorious now, "So you have read poetry."

The man gave the taller of the two a flippant eyeroll, "Of fucking course I have, genius. I had to graduate high school somehow."

"Mhm." He hummed, leaning forward on the desk, "And I suppose you have it committed to memory years after graduation."

"It's been one." The cutie growled, brown eyes lighting up with indignation, "And I had to memorize it for the class and- _I don't have to explain myself to you_!"

Wirt needed to leave this poor guy alone. He honestly considered just getting his book, checking out, and letting the man carry on with his day… But this was the most fun he'd had in this sleepy town, and he didn't want to let it end.

"Sorry for prying." He apologized, sincerely, before poking a bit more, "So, about that recommendation…?"

The cutie made an animalistic noise in the back of his throat, slamming his book down for the second time that day and focusing on Wirt with a look of pure rage on his precious face.

"Honestly? Everything here is _shit_." The petite brunet spat, a beautiful and intense fire in his rich irises, "The books are all worn and covered in weird bodily fluids- And the content written on the pages isn't any better than the disgusting substances sticking to them! I order my books online, because I enjoy _quality_. If you like good books, I _recommend_ that you get the hell out of here and do the same."

Wirt had to fight back a laugh at the color filling the cutie's face and making his puffy cheeks look absolutely _edible_.

"I'll do that." The man solemnly promised, voice shaking with barely contained, girlish giggles, "Right after I get your n-number,"

That was a stutter. _Dammit_. He was not the best at… this. Whatever this awkward mess was.

"Wh- What?" The cutie stammered, complete shock replacing the previous anger on his face, "Y-You… Why?"

"Oh," Wirt rubbed the back of his neck, feeling his cheeks heat up, "Well, you're… pretty. A- And fun to talk to, so… yeah."

"I'm pretty?" The short boy raised a brow at him.

"Yup." He nodded, with a bit more enthusiasm than what was needed.

Looking around blankly for a moment, the librarian grabbed for a pen and a piece of scrap paper, "G-Gimme a sec."

Wirt's heart started pumping erratically in his chest cavity as he saw the cutie start writing. The cutie? Ugh, he needed something better to call this adorable hot head.

"What's your name?" He questioned, trying to sound casual and not as if he was about to start to do clumsy somersaults (he couldn't do a cartwheel to save a life) around the library.

The brunet folded the paper he had written on and handed it over to the taller gent, "Dipper."

The man took it out of his hand, not quite able to keep his elated smile at bay, "Wirt. I'll, um, call you."

"I figured as much." Dipper smirked, apparently back to his sardonic self.

Wirt's face was starting to hurt- he had to get out of here before his cheeks bruised, "Right, right… Bye."

He ran out the front door and to his car before he could say something else that would make him look like his brain cell count was to be questioned.

Plopping down back behind the wheel, Wirt unfolded the paper he had been gifted with eager fingers. Sure, he didn't have a phone and it would be a bit of a hassle to get in touch with him, but… Wow.

There was a single sentence written on the stationary, rather than the digits he had been expecting.

' _Try again next time, Mr. Poe_.'

Despite the rejection his confidence was now burdened with, he felt a little flare of excitement light in his core. He now knew exactly how to spend his next day off.


End file.
